When Nothing makes Sense

 A majority of us have at one point or the other made prayers to God. I happen to fall in this category. Early in the year 2023 I was making a prayer to God to bless me with a child. Every parent wants a better life or circumstance for their child. Growing up as an only child ( my brother came way later after clearing highschool),  I sometimes felt lonely. I therefore desired to give Zanetta (my daughter) a sibling. She too prayed everyday for one. Our prayer was answered in 2020 but got cut 10 weeks later.  Read the story here : 

https://doublefavor.blogspot.com/2020/07/born-at-ten-weeks-mothers-tribute.html?m=1

As the year 2023 progressed something told me I would get pregnant that year. I held on to that faith. It finally happened in May. I did the test and couldn't believe what I had prayed for was coming to pass. When I got to know I was pregnant the following day on my way to work the congratulations song by Ada played and so did Evelyne Wanjiru's song : Asante. That was a confirmation and sign I was truly pregnant and would deliver a boy.  

As days progressed the history of 2020 began haunting me. Going to the toilet was a nightmare because I was scared of seeing blood. The stains of blood was how it had started till I finally miscarriage in 2020. The anxiety was unbearable. It eased slightly when a friend reminded me I had safely delivered a baby before the miscarriage after carrying her during the same period. This helped ease pressure as I chose to focus on the successful pregnancy. 

Unfortunately  early July and on the same day I lost two friends to suicide. These were people I had talked to trying to show them life makes sense they don't need to take their life. From then on the anxiety birthed other things. I feared waking up. I didn't want to go to work , actually being at work scared me. Depression had kicked in. Having suffered from depression before and knowing the side effects of the drugs I decided not to seek medical help. I wanted to fight it out alone. Each day however got worse. In one of my antenatal clinics the gynaecologist convinced me to see a psychiatrist. He went ahead to tell me in the next clinic I should bring a report. There was no escaping. It was either I change the doctor or just see the psychiatrist. I chose the latter and was diagnosed with depression in pregnancy. I was also put on medication. This was after the doctor convinced me he had put me on the least dose, the med he had given me was safe and since I was past 3 months the baby's major organs had formed so it was ok. I started the drugs and also put it in myself I would fight the depression. It would not take me down. 

It was really a struggle as even work became unbearable. What I previously did with so much ease I couldn't. The tasks seemed too hard. Thank God for my colleagues , they supported me. Plus I started getting things like panic attacks and had one at work. The attack would make me dizzy and run out of breath. It was really scary. When I mentioned it to the doctor he told me it's normal during pregnancy as the pregnancy grows. When December came I decided to go book an elective CS at Agakhan Hospital (Zanetta was born through CS too). My gna had told me Agakhan have a very good ( affordable )maternity package. As a requirement I needed to be seen by a doctor at Agakhan . The doctor who saw me told me my tummy was abnormally big so he recommended I do a scan. 

The scan results scared me even more; I was informed I had too much amniotic fluid and my cervix was short. I was advised to do a fetal scan which is in 3D to know if the baby was abnormal hence causing the increased fluid. Apparently if the baby can't swallow or their  stomach has an issue or they have an abnormality , it can lead to lots of amniotic fluid. The condition of lots of amniotic fluid is called Polyhydramnios. It was then I got to understand why I was constantly running out of breath (panic attacks) and why sleeping had become uncomfortable as early as second trimester. The fluid doesn't affect the baby but the mother experiences lots of discomforts 😞.  The scan was done and our boy was ok. Nothing from him could explain the Polyhydramnios. I was sent for some lab tests to check for infections from me, all turned negative . The doctor also advised me the options I had to handle with the condition.One was to drain some of the amniotic fluid. The draining involves using a needle 💉 through the stomach into the uterus. The other was to be on total bed 🛏️ rest. I chose total bed rest because the draining option was too scary and risky. The risks of draining involved are infecting the baby and preterm labour. The doctor released me after prescribing steroids to develop the lungs in case  I went into labour.  

I didn't stay long after diagnosis, it was actually a week later. One Sunday on 17th December my water broke and we had to rush to Aga Khan hospital. After examination the next thing I heard was code red and I was rushed to the theatre for an emergency CS. It was after this that our son was taken to the NICU because he was born at 32 weeks and also because he had to be resuscitated after I was put on full anesthetia . It wasn't easy seeing him inside that cube. He stayed there and was moved on Thursday HDU for newborns.We stayed there till we were released on Tuesday a week after being admitted.

When I got the name to give my son Nathanael ( means God's gift and God gives) God promised He would give all we needed. He gave and gave. We only paid for slippers. Some would say I  have good insurance cover, I however know I have a great God. God healed us both and provided for us. 

That is my testimony. Trust God in all circumstances. He is there for us all. The year 2023 ended with a testimony in my mouth. I pray you who have read this narration be blessed and receive your own testimony. Lots of things happened that I haven't shared but I can confirm the water had to break on a Sunday when Christians go to church and pray for the sick. The CS wasn't easy it was by God all went well for both of us. Things didn't make sense then but now they do because I know God was there all through and never left my side.

Limited Thinking Paralysis

I grew up hearing the sky is the limit and later on in life I learnt that the limit is not the sky but myself. The limit of self comes from the things we hear everyday. Perhaps from the societal standards. 

We live in a society that gauges ones ability to succeed based on their education. This comes from the grades that one gets in school. The higher the grades, the more lucrative a course one pursues at the university. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what grades do. There are professions that need people who are gifted with grasping academic work. Oh and of course it helps in setting standards of doing things. I would say school brings a sense of uniformity in a society. This is through a set curriculum which learners and teachers adhere to in the hope of applying  what is learnt in school to working life. I however feel there is more to school than just what one studies. Here is a story of a couple that dared beyond their professional academic training. 

Emmanuel and Beldina Oluoch are teachers by training. They are also teaching in re-known High schools at the heart of Nairobi. I find their story of resilience so inspirational as captured in the People Daily 15th September 2020. Before Covid-19 pandemic they both had ventured into making use of their gifts. Beldina's passion for baking led her to open a Bakery while her husband ventured into landscaping. Beldina did home science and Emmanuel did agriculture in high school. According to Beldina she perfected baking at a friend's bakery. They recently opened Grand Hotel in Karen, Nairobi. 

It's sad to imagine many of us went to school but we don't go the extra mile of applying skills taught. Home science in itself comes with business opportunities like cleaning, tailoring, cooking,baking.... How then do we say we are not equipped? Agriculture comes with business ideas like farming, livestock rearing, poultry keeping, bee keeping, farm management, landscaping... The list is endless. The same applies to other subjects like: Mathematics, English, Swahili, Biology, Chemistry,...We need to aim not just to complete school and get a certificate but to take time to reflect on our interests. In each subject there is a topic that captures ones heart. That is one way of discovering ones interest. 

Many people keep asking how they can discover their gifts. Topics of interest back in school offers a good starting point. Once one identifies their topics of interest they then can do a further analysis on which can be transformed into a business idea. While there are those topics that require technical expertise and authorization, majority can be self taught. The internet has made learning so easy. There is not just theory learning there is demonstrative learning. A person that loved painting during the Art class, can try a hand in commercializing  painting. They can start with one room where they live as they progress. We don't have to wait for a white collar job. We have the ability to be employers. 

Back to Beldina and Emmanuel. Beldina says it takes one to believe in an idea first before daring to activate it. Money isn't a factor, one needs to dare start small. All it takes is God and passion. She shared she has trusted God through the steps she has taken and He hasn't disappointed. 

One of my mentors once said to me opportunities aren't available. Opportunities are created and grabbed. Over and wide it's been said the richest people are in the grave. Many of us have many great ideas but we spend our whole life second guessing it. We are so afraid of starting and failing . We should be focused on starting to know if it works. The difference between successful business people and other people is they dared to put their idea into reality.

God has blessed us with abundance but we are not daring to trust Him to lead us into abundance. We think we shall be successful by copying another person's idea. We think we need connection.  That I am afraid may not happen. We shall become successful by putting our ideas into reality. Our connection needs to be God. This is because the idea comes as God's revelation to our life of abundance.  It is He we should seek divine understanding from.

Have an idea? Get into researching how to make it work. It's true there are those ideas that are totally new but many have been tried elsewhere. They just may not be in your area. Let's not die poor and our Heavenly Father is rich. A step of faith needs to be the starting point. 

God harmonized us all by creating us in His own likeness. We have the ability to create. The question is what are you doing with your creative self? Are you creating things to make or break you? Are you busy creating jealousy while you could be using your creative self to harvest abundance. Cultivating bad vices only robs time that would have been used for self improvement. It's about time to ask yourself: 

1. What have I been cultivating ? 

2. How has it brought me growth?

Let us learn from Beldina and Emmanuel. Dare to be different. Dare to put ideas into reality. The outcome could amaze you and/ or the society. The limit is within oneself not outward.  I wish this power couple the very best. May God continue to scale them up. 

See attached photo the story of Belinda and Emmanuel courtesy of the People Daily. 

Are you a Prisoner?

Disclaimer: It's that time again to get controversial. I am a Christian.  When I speak of the Holy Book it will be the Bible. I hope you can read this piece making reference to the Holy Book found in your religion. I hope we all have a life manual that guides our life.

I have grown up knowing I was created in God's own likeness. The Bible also tells me I was created in God's own image. I therefore have ability to create unlike other living things. That is how in my geography class I was taught of manmade resources. 

Man after creation was told by God to be fruitful, multiple and fill the earth. While many have focused on procreation, I am of a different school of thought. My school of thought was man was to fill up the earth through creating things on earth. True to God's declaration, man has created things that are both of benefit and/or harm to himself and/or other living creatures. The common denominator here being God blessed man with the ability to create.  I want to imagine each religion receives God's way of doing things from their Holy Book.  The word is read and practiced by individuals of that faith freely.  God gave us His word on how to live and doesn't interfere. We live by the choices we make. While the Bible tells Christians not to steal, many Christians steal. That is how we end up having Christians in jail over stealing.  Choices come with consequences. Each action comes with a reaction. Which can sometimes be death.

Back to the creation story. God created everything and said it was good. Man later came forward and set standards of what is good and what is bad. These standards will vary from place to place. That is how while abortion is illegal in Kenya, it is legal elsewhere.  I feel we humans forget God has guidelines and standards of what is good and bad. All which are found in the Holy Book for each faith. That is why perhaps we are made to know that vengeance and judgment belongs to God. We are a people that gauge good and bad based on selfish interests. While the Bible talks of being faithful in marriage, we talk of encouraging affairs to take care of the disadvantaged population. God condemns adultery stop justifying it. God condemns stealing, stop justifying it. God commands us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Some of us don’t even know what self-love is therefore can’t offer love to another person. The Bible talks of a wife being submissive but women will tie the submission to certain conditions and men will condition loving a wife. Do we skew the word of God for our own selfish interests?

Let's talk of the secular things. A love song will play and I will sing along and get funny stares. Those that are bold will ask, why are you singing that song and its secular? Are you not the one that talks to people about God? The answer has always been isn't God love? Who is it that gifts us all? Which commandment is one breaking by singing secular songs? How do you suppose singing a secular song prevents me from having a personal relationship with God? Majority of the times none is able to answer. The answer I get has been, its wrong as a Christian to sing secular songs. This is what I have an issue with. Have we gotten so caught up with people telling us what is good and bad that we lost our identity? As a person of this and that religious belief, do you deeply follow your Holy book? Are you following your understanding of God's word or another persons? Are you reading your Holy Book as a story book or to receive God's word over your life?

The Bible clearly tells Christians that if your right hand is causing you to sin, cut it off. Many have taken this literally but it has a deeper meaning. My understanding is if something leads you to sin, then don’t do it. Coming back to self love, we can only know what is bad and have courage to avoid it when we know ourselves. How about we do things with a deep personal understanding of God and self not people’s standards and /or understanding. How about we truly practice self-love and God’s word to us? How about we each do a personal analysis of who we are? Try it sometime. The liberation that comes with it is beyond human understanding. Allow yourself to be led by God's word not fellow human beings. Release yourself from that prison you have locked yourself in for so long.

Picture this, I am a Christian, I sing a religious song and I am stealing, killing , hating my neighbor and abusing my wife. Does that bring me close to God? How does that spread God's word? While singing a love song may lead one to sin it could lead one to express love to their partner. Please do you!

 

 

The Road from Nowhere to Somewhere - Part 2

Deferring my studies for one year offered a relief. I however needed to take time and think what I really wanted to do. In addition to the antidepressants I was put on, the doctor recommended I go for counseling. I went for two sessions of counseling and discontinued because they left me confused. Looking back it was either I wasn't presenting my issue right or the counselor wasn't taking time to understand me. By God's grace I was off the drugs and was back to my bubbly self.  I had thoughts of changing the course but that didn't happen. I chose to stay put and finalize my Graduate degree. I was determined to get a masters degree in Economics. I therefore rejoined in 2012 and began my journey with caution. The Director actually advised me to take a maximum of 2 units per semester.  

Lets just say I was in for a long ride, I am yet to graduate with a masters degree in Economics 8 years later. I instead graduated in faith and a relationship with God. When I resumed classes in 2012, I experienced attacks of depression. Several sessions with the psychiatrist revealed that what I was suffering from was in fact anxiety disorder which would graduate to depression. It was not until this year that I got an understanding of what was happening to me all this while.Everything made sense over this period I have been home and experienced a sense of calmness. A lot more happened in between that could fill a book. All I know is the moments I felt was the end points translated into new beginnings. 

Even without a masters degree, I went a grade up at work in 2013. I was actually dealing with an attack at that point when I got promoted. Its so funny because word was going round I was gaining weight because my pockets were fuller while in actual sense it was the antidepressants that were making me balloon up. This was to be the first sign I needed to see but I didn't. I kept pushing wrongly and got burned deeply. I did my exams with so much fear of failing and sometimes while on medication. My fears came to life. I failed two units that I retook with much difficulty. This was another sign I was supposed to see but missed out on. I am through with my course work and currently working on my project. I am very positive I will get to graduate. 

I would like to explain to you what happened to me and how I ended up sick. I was trying to control my future. I was trying to take care of my mother. I put my masters at a level so high and forgot God. This is what made me sick. I placed value on the masters and forgot whose child I was. God opened a door of promotion, mum began constructing her house and I started practicing as an Economist even without my masters.  I have interacted with high profile persons and pushed agendas at levels I never thought possible.  God ensured I was good at my work and when He noticed I was worshiping that work, He reminded me who I should be worshiping. Oh and I got married 💓. I have since recovered. God has been faithful. Anxiety attacks is not anything I would wish on anyone. It paralyses an individual. 

I wrote this article not for a pity party but to remind us all to stop trying to control our future or life. Live in the present, serve and acknowledge God in your life. Surrender controlling things and let God take control. Stop thinking because you don't have this or that now, your life is doomed. Choose to focus on the plan God has for you. I can confirm to each of us that the plans of man aren't plans of God. He says I got you, allow me to get you there. That thing that you are working so hard to get that is so elusive release it. God is saying to us all worship Me not those things. Some of us are too caught up worshiping getting married, a job , a baby ,... when should be worshiping the One true God. Until we learn Who we should rightfully worship, we shall continue to live in unhappiness. 

Another key reason why I wrote this piece is in efforts to end the stigma around mental health. I don't hide the battle I have had with anxiety that resulted into depression. I have experienced  stigma that brought to light the reason why many people commit suicide instead of seeking help. I have had moments when those that know of my battle have insinuated I have behaved in a certain way because of the illness that once befell me. I am treated like a victim of mental health instead of a victor of mental health. Its time to understand that mental health is a health issue like any other. Having a mental health issue doesn't mean one cannot live a normal life. Illnesses around mental health are many and no one is immune. People recover from mental illnesses. Mental illnesses can recur in one person. Just like it happens for other known diseases like Malaria, BP, Diabetes and so on. Make an informed decision today to end the stigma you could have on anyone dealing or who has dealt with a mental illness. Same way we understand other patients , let us understand patients of mental health. Stigmatizing only makes things worse. 

While trying to control my future landed me into anxiety and climaxed to depression, it's possible you trying to control things is resulting into a disease you are battling. Let it all go and let God. None of us made an application to be born and therefore the One who ensured we landed safely got us. All we need to do is serve Him truthfully. 

Feel free to write to me through my email annewacha@gmail.com if you need help on any of the things I have talked about. 

 

The Road from Nowhere to Somewhere - Part 1

I first noticed something was off when I couldn't sleep. I would wake up at night and my mind was a market of people talking. No discussion was complete. The talks would be left hanging and another would soon start. It was one thought after another. All happening inside my head. Saying my mind was flooded with thoughts is an understatement. What I was experiencing was a hurricane of thoughts. This is a story of my life and the fire I had to go through to get me to the spiritual understanding I now hold. A story of how I am able to put it up together even in difficult circumstances. 

It all began in 2011. I had signed up for my graduate degree in Economics because I wanted to better myself and my family. I figured the degree would open lots of doors that I considered locked because of my academic qualifications. The degree was to offer me bargaining power with an employer. I would also have a sense of direction in my profession. A better pay meant I could help mum build a house. She had given up so much for me , it was time for me to give her back. My undergraduate degree was in Bed (Arts) specializing in Economics and Mathematics. This rightfully placed me in teaching, but I didn’t feel I wanted my life to revolve around teaching in a classroom. Don’t get me wrong, I respect classroom teachers. My mother is a teacher and she has sisters and a brother who are teachers. I truly respect the profession because I have witnessed what mum, my uncle and aunties have been able to do for themselves as teachers. 

After graduation I went into selling insurance. I would actually tell myself I am teaching people on investment and savings plans. I did this for 2 years until I felt insurance sales wasn't for me. I began looking for a job in the corporate world but no one seemed to be able to place me. Who am I kidding, I felt lost. I felt the corporate world would not take me since I belonged in a class teaching. True to my thoughts, I applied for a class teaching job and got it. I remember my friend and I hunting for a teaching job. I was hired and she wasn't. This was despite her undergraduate course being more lucrative than mine. I was hired because I was a professionally trained teacher. I taught for a month then resigned because I felt underpaid in addition to the dissatisfaction inside me. When I resigned, I went back into insurance sales but that too wasn't satisfying. Luckily I got another teaching job with a better pay. 

I was still not happy, reason being I was heading computer classes. Yes I also hold a post graduate diploma in Institute for the Management of Information Systems -IMIS (UK). I had made it clear to my employer that my preference was teaching Economics or Mathematics. The teaching position that was available and the one I was interviewed for was computer classes. My employer had lots of confidence in me that I could teach computer. This was also because I was teaching IT and Economics in my previous school. I told myself,” Grace you can do this”. When I got into reading the syllabus, I realized they are things I had been taught at an advanced level. It was a walk in the park. The school job worked well too because by 3 we would go home. Part of me didn't feel I belonged in a classroom so I still continued job hunting. An opportunity arose in a government agency and this was the breakthrough that I needed. It didn’t matter that the pay was going to be less. What mattered was I was where I felt I belonged. It was time to fly and actualize my dreams. 

Armed with an undergraduate degree in teaching there were times colleagues would be tell me I should be teaching. Efforts to explain I specialized in subjects done in other courses went down the drain. I needed to deal with this nightmare. The only way I saw was a Graduate degree in either Mathematics or Economics. I chose Economics. Here I was now enrolled and going after what I felt was the door to my success. Everything was going to plan. I had saved enough cash and cleared my semester fees. I even had a plan on how I would ensure I never lacked fees. I ensured my bills would be serviced by 60% of my earnings and the 40% was to be saved towards financing my education. Then the headaches began. I couldn’t read. I was too scared. Economics suddenly became too difficult. Even the simple calculations I knew I could do I couldn’t understand. My world came crumbling down.

I would go to class and find myself gazing at the lecturer but I was lost in my own world. I felt trapped. I was frustrated. I wondered how things would be for me. I was sinking in my professional career. I found myself questioning who I was. I questioned everything because even socially I was still single. Nothing seemed to be going right for me. I would go for baby and bridal showers and smile all through. Once home I would cry myself to sleep and the headaches persisted.

Feelings of worthlessness were on the menu every morning, in fact every minute I was awake. What will I be? Who am I? How will I make mum proud? How will I make a life for myself? Will I ever get married? Why can’t I understand this Economics? If I quit this course, what course do I pursue? I couldn’t get any answers. All these unanswered questions made things worse for me and I began being suicidal. With the family background I had of relatives who had committed suicide, I was convinced something was up. I remember taking myself to the student’s clinic hoping to get help. I told my colleague I was going to hospital and I would be back. The students clinic made lots of economic sense because I had paid medical. I also didn't have the luxury of an outpatient cover and knew it was a cost I wasn't ready to bare.

When I went in, I told the doctor how I was feeling. I told him I was too tensed and couldn't relax. Then I mentioned I was suicidal and immediately he suggested I see another doctor. At this point I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't turn off the tears. It felt like a tap of tears had been opened and the tap broken. The lady doctor was kind enough to allow me to cool of and when I did, she listened to my story. I can't remember what I told her but I remember her mentioning I needed to find time to see the head psychiatrist. That shocked me. I went into denial. Are you suggesting I am going crazy? I am not crazy I just need things to calm my thoughts. To stop the headaches. To be able to sleep better. Being a doctor is a calling I tell you. I suppose her being a psychiatrist on training helped her deal with me. She prescribed me some drugs which I would later learn were multivitamins and I went back to the office. I took the drugs and when I went to class that evening I was able to learn. Things went normal for a while and then assignments and CAT kicked in and all hell broke once more.

I found myself shaking in class. Not that it was cold. I was shaking in fear. I didn't feel I could go through. The fear was made worse when a lecturer came and said those that didn't have an undergraduate in deep economics were in for a long ride. The suicidal thoughts came back. I couldn't sleep. I dreaded waking up. I remember buying myself Smirnoff Vodka 500ml to go drink dry. It was me trying to make myself relax and perhaps burn my intestines and wake up dead. All this was after I mentioned to my friend how I was feeling. She told me to relax everything would work out. She actually took me to the salon and paid for my eyebrows. Our date was however cut short because she needed to get home to her husband. Alone in town I thought the Vodka would help me sleep that day. When I got to my house , I opened the Vodka and gulped mouthfuls. I told God to finish me with the Vodka. Ohh and I took the Vodka with avocado. Don't laugh. It made perfect sense to me. I knew taking it very fast and on an empty stomach would send me straight to my Maker. Nilijipata nimebleki (Alcohol took over and I slept). When I woke up, I puked all my intestines out and sobered up.

I was clearly going mad. I remembered the words the doctor had told me sometimes back. The following day I went to see the psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with depression. I told him I need my life back. I need things to make sense again. He suggested admitting me and I obliged. I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me. I was embarrassed. What was I going to tell my friends who knew Grace Anne, the strong lady who has her life figured out?. How can I tell them I was feeling like killing myself? How could I tell my mother what was on my mind? I stayed on. All this happened on a Tuesday and since I needed some personal items I called my colleague to bring them to me at the sick bay. She came to see me immediately after reporting to work the following day. I told her not to tell anyone. I wanted to deal with everything myself. She didn't keep her promise. When she went back to the office she got in touch with my uncle who called mum and informed her I had been hospitalized. He and mum actually came to see me over lunch hour. Lets just say the whole family came, I received love. During the one week I was hospitalized I received visitors from my grandmother to my brother to my aunties friends. Mum came to see me daily. She couldn't imagine I had kept all this from her. When I was released, she said I was to go to her house not my place.

With the diagnosis, my doctor recommended a break from school to give me time to heal and gave me a letter to take to my school Director. The Director was really kind to me. She encouraged me and told me of someone she knew who had gone through a similar experience. The person had since recovered and was living a normal life. I was allowed to defer my classes by one year. All school fees intact. Mine was to present myself the following year same time.

 

 

Does God really exist?

 It is said until you experience something, you never know it exists. It's not once I have come across persons that question God's existence. I too have at one point in my life questioned His existence. There are questions revolving around religion. One religion feels they are more true than the other.  While I am a proud Christian, I respect other religions.  

The reason I respect other religions is because the God they serve blesses them as they worship Him. When I pray in the midst of other religions I bow and pray to my God. The God of Abraham the one who gave His son to die on the cross for my sins. That is my version. I respect other versions. I know there is a common creation story in majority of the religions. Each religion has a saviour or one with unquestionable faith mentioned in their Holy book. 

It's really unfortunate that the religious divisions that exist are used to fight each other. Most of which is in contrary to the Holy book teaching.  I don't think there is a religion preaches hate, stealing and killing. Well at least not Christianity. Unfortunately many are doing wrong things in the name of God. It's no wonder questions of God's existence come up. 

Questions like if God exists how can people be dying from pandemics? If God is so loving how can a whole family be wiped out? If God is rich how can there be poor people? If God is a provider, how can there be people sleeping hungry? If God is just, how come there is lots of injustice? 

Let me share my understanding. This understanding doesn't have to be agreeable to you. I respect those who disagree with it all. 

As a Christian, I have come to understand that humans were created in God's image and likeness. They therefore have ability to create. Over the years they have created things that have been of benefit and harm to them. In addition being flesh makes them have selfish desires and therefore skew things towards their benefits and the expense of other human beings.  It's about satisfying greed as opposed to need. That is how some steal, kill in the name of God's blessings. That is not God it's human flesh. They do it for themselves not God. 

When God created us , He also gave us free will.   By free will I mean freedom to choose good and bad. Each religion talks of do's and don'ts. Each human then decides the path to take. When one takes the bad path they simply bare with the consequences. While Christians talk of following the devil to imply bad things. Other religions talk of bad karma. Which is actually in the Bible in the line of what one sows so shall they reap. 

Humans can't go destroying nature and expect things to balance🤷. Cut down all the trees and suffer drought and floods. Pollute the environment and suffer the scourging sun. Get into the lab and release biological weapons and suffer the consequences. It's as simple as that. It's not that God isn't love. It's not that God enjoys seeing His creation suffer. He just doesn't force his way into our lives. The minute we come to this understanding we shall not be misled in the name of getting God's blessings. Stop agreeing to be blackmailed, jailed, kidnapped in the name of God and religion. Free yourself by seeking a personal connection with God. This will only be found by reading your Holy book not as a story book but with a deep understanding. An understanding that allows you to mirror your life into the story or verse you read from your Holy book. 

God does exist and God is everything good. God is immortal we are the mortals. God reigns supreme over everything. God isn't forceful. God comes to all those that seek Him. I have experienced Him and continue to experience Him. He is everything to me. I desire the same for you too. 

Let each of us ask themselves:

- Do I follow God or a religion or a person? 

- How do I read the word of God? 

- How do I internalise God's word? 

- How is God's word true in my life?

Have We Gotten Comfortable Praising the Devil at the Expense of God?

When I heard news that we were going to be parents a second time I was filled with so much excitement. I even went out to pick names that would rhyme with our daughter's name. The excitement however took a different turn when we lost the pregnancy at 10weeks. This was after I had gone through painful and very expensive injections. In fact the week that we lost the pregnancy, we had ordered for a pregnancy pillow just so that I could sleep comfortably. Thank God the supplier was kind enough to allow me to cancel the pillow. Having the pillow in our bedroom would have been a permanent constant reminder of the events that unfolded on 11th July, 2020. I was given 5 days sick off and by Thursday 16th , July 2020, I was in the office. In fact that day I had so much pending follow ups that it was a big relief to be back to work. Those that knew what had transpired from the blog I shared were shocked to see me running up and down in the office. 

While some labelled me a super woman, others thought I was masking the pain I was experiencing. They felt I am putting on a brave face. One common thing that the two divides didn't want to appreciate was that I had involved God through it all. I had totally surrendered to His will. In fact my prayer was that God gives me strength to go about my normal duties regardless of the road our pregnancy would take. When the bleeding started during our pregnancy, I told God I don't have experience in carrying a second pregnancy neither in a miscarriage. I totally surrendered to God and told Him I need His strength in either of the paths. When the path was the baby was to be God's not mine I went into praising mode. He gave me strength just as I had asked of Him. I am no super woman. I am God's child and its in Him I draw my strength. Well unfortunately I can't do much about those who think I am masking it. Its for God to visit them not me. I choose to celebrate God's doing. 

Its no surprise that the people who feel I am masking my pain will feel that any person that confesses they are doing well, is showing off. It breaks my heart that we are so comfortable talking about the troubles we are facing and not the victories in our lives. Its very common when I tell a friend of my troubles to tell me I will pray for you. Seldomly have I told a friend about the victories and heard, "I will offer a prayer of thanksgiving on your behalf." Why do we find it easy to pray when we are victims and hard when we are victors? 

Why does it have to be that when someone says God has blessed me with: a car, beautiful wife, a house , beautiful children and booming business they are showing off? Why is it so easy for us to bad mouth that person? Why can't we use that as a testimony that God is also going to visit us and we can testify as they are? Why do we have to allow the devil to convince us how boastful the person is and refuse to see God's ability to bless us? Take time to ask and answer these questions. 

Its clear to me that we have gotten comfortable praising the devil at the expense of God. What are you willing to do about this? 

The Good , Bad , Ugly and Beauty of Social Groups.

 I don't know about you but I am in : welfare , several social media, chama and activities groups. The other day through the Gratitude journey, I took time to reflect on the friends I have had since childhood. It was quite a revelation I must add. The benefits of the Gratitude journey have been enormous for me. Anyway back to the groups.

I took time to reflect on the groups I am in. It was a moment of self reflection and cleaning up. The revelation is what I wish to share with you. 

- The groups are quite a number. 

- Do I have regrets for being in any of them? No

- Is everything shared, said and discussed of relevance to me? No

- Are there people who I could wish away? Yes

- Are there people I would miss if they left the group? Yes

- Does everyone in the group have to like me? No

- Do the groups add value to me? Yes

- Can I please and satisfy everyone in the group? No even God doesn't🤷🏾‍♀️

- Does my opinion in the group have to be similar to everyone? No

The above questions brought so much revelation to me. The peace that came with the revelation is liberating. I made a decision to identify my purpose for being in each group. This is what shall determine how long I last as a member. 

The reality is these social groups have all kinds of people. Different personalities, objectives and going through different struggles and levels in life. One can therefore not expect harmony. There will be those with an objective to abuse others in the group. There are those dealing with self esteem issues and will want to put everyone down. On the flip side there those that want to spread love and grow others. Who each of us becomes is up to us. It's a choice everyone makes in life. Social groups are no different from individuals. After all they pull individuals together. 

My analysis made me resolve to not let any individual drawing me away from my objective bother me. It's the same thing in life. Someone said we cannot keep throwing stones at every dog that barks at you. It could be barking because it's in pain and you not a vet. Or it could have seen a fly and it's barking in excitement. This is wasting valuable time you would have used to reach your destination. Well of course there those that bark to alert you of danger or because they are excited to see you. These dogs you don't ignore. You give them attention because they are valuable in ensuring you get to your destination as a whole. 

Forgive me for using the dog analogy but I hope the message is home. Don't carry things said in social groups to heart. Don't carry things said to you by individuals to heart. Don't try to transform everyone to yourself. Don't try to please and satisfy all. Identify your objective and purpose. Then stick to it. Change only when you are convinced it adds value to your life not subtracts value to you.

The questions to us all are: 

1. What are the objectives of all the groups I am in? 

2. Are the objectives being fulfilled?

The Child of Womb and Child of Back

Just recently I remembered a story that was shared by a former boss. He told us how he failed to give his brother money to enable him release his wife from hospital after she had given birth. Later that very day he went and completed a transaction for his new car that had just landed. This took majority of us present at the meeting by surprise. I would say we gave him blank looks perhaps calling him a mean person. He just smiled. It seems he was totally not surprised by our reaction. Before we could continue the rest of the meeting in disgust, he explained his actions. 

He told us child birth isn't an emergency. His brother had 9 months to plan for it. He went on to explain if his brother had an initial plan that failed it wasn't right to wait till last minute. This made perfect sense. My boss then went ahead to explain had he not paid for his new car he would have dealt with fines. He wondered why he's the one to pay for someone else's irresponsibility. Oh and how he had squeezed up his savings to get to that point. Oh and the car was a pressing need for him.  The car was to comply with the image when he meets his clients. This would help him raise money to finally secure a house for his family. 

At the end of the meeting each of us had a new kind of thinking. There are things that are not an emergency. It is just that we humans feel our needs are more important than those of others. It's no wonder a person will come to the salon and want to be attended to because they feel theirs is a simple task. Picture this, you go very early to the salon to get plaited and go about your day. A customer in need of Blow-dry comes and wants the person attending to you to stop so that they are attended to. If theirs was a simple task why didn't they book the hair dresser like you did? 

This same thinking is the reason some of us will think someone going for a holiday is wasting money. Or someone paying for a presidential suite when they have a luxurious mansion is wasting money. We need to wake up to some hard realities. 

The thinking that basic needs are food, shelter and clothing is long gone. A need becomes a need depending on how important it is to an individual. While a car is a luxury to one, it's a source of livelihood to another.  Stop looking at someone stressing over their BMW X5 as undeserving because you are stressing over food. They have food so they stress over the next important item.

Demeaning needs of others is also strongly linked to the numerous suicide cases. When a person opens up , their reason for wanting to take their life is because they lost 1dollar or their team lost and we demean that reason , we are tightening their suicide rope. Majority don't seek to understand the attachment one has to something. The dismiss it as a minor need. 

Let's learn to respect each other. We are all at different levels of life. We are all dealing with different struggles. No struggle is greater than the other. Let's not feel we are more placed to be helped, attended or listened to more than others. Let's not laugh at each others struggles because it appears mere. All of us are balanced in our own right. 

As those that speak my African language say, "There is no child of womb and of back"  Another saying closely related:  Only the shoe wearer knows how painfully the shoe pinches.

How Money Runs out of our Pockets

 A wise woman once said money is never enough for everything we want but it is enough for everything we need. For a long time I battled with this saying until I took time to do a self reflection. 

The best way to get the true picture of anything is by self reflection. I began with a historical background right when I was in campus. In campus, I survived on Kshs. 27,000  from Higher Education Loans Board (HELB) for 2 semesters equivalent to 6 months all factors constant. Well there were times I would get some cash from friends and relatives but that is what I currently refer to as unexpected income. There were classmates that more but I thank God because more loan money meant clearing university in high debts. HELB money meant each month I survived on Kshs. 4500. Mind you I still had spare money to go out, buy mitumba ( second hand items) and eat meat🙈🙈. 

I clear campus and the guaranteed 4,500 disappears. I survive in Nairobi hassling here and there. Goodness me there is a time I earned a salary of Kshs. 1500. Don't give me that look, I was on a commission earnings. Yes I still ate the following month and had a roof over my head. Thank God for mum who ensured food never lacked. Later I got a job and moved out of mom's place. Bills had to be paid and I planned myself the best way I could. The plan worked well because I could afford to pay for my masters without difficulty. God opened a door and I got a promotion. At that point I decided to move to a different area. The place I was living seemed out of touch with many. Let's just say I needed some life. Where I was living was more of a village but the houses were awesome.This formed the first result of my analysis. I was increasing my expenses with increased income. Were the expenses necessary? Those that were I chose to retain those that weren't informed new savings avenues. 

More reality came to me when I had a talk with a person earning less than I do. They told me how they manage. Then I talked with someone earning more than I do and I had to tell them how I manage. The revelation became clear to me; the money we earn will always be enough for our needs not our wants. I just need to know how to plan the money I make. It is this realization that took me on my second mission of finding out how I loose money. 

The revelations were as follows: 

1. Minimize use of plastic money when shopping. There is more pain in counting notes then giving a seller than swiping a card or paying via mobile money. ( Yes I know there is Corona) 

2. Avoid shopping when hungry because when hungry you tend to buy unnecessary food stuffs. 

3. Shop when your emotions are calm. Shopping when excited makes one spend more. Shopping when sad makes one shop more to heal themselves. 

4. Window shop when you don't have money to undertake a project underway. That way you look for the most affordable deals. 

5. Always shop when you have a shopping list. This ensures you don't buy things you don't need. 

6. When shopping in a supermarket,  avoid the big trolleys. Big trolleys make you fill it up with things you don't need. This is also informed by the shopping list. 

7. When you pick an item ,ask yourself how necessary it is 3 times. Or ask what would happen if you don't buy it. 

8. Take advantage when your brands are on offer and buy in bulk. That way you save cash and maintain your tastes and preferences. 

9. Appreciate yourself once every month. It gives you a boost to work the following month. 

10. Focus on improving and bettering the future you compared to the past and present you. Let it not be based on other people's achievements. 

11. Budget for your money before beginning to spend.

12. Shop in bulk as opposed to retail purchasing. You save up time and money at the same time.