Deferring my studies for one year offered a relief. I however needed to take time and think what I really wanted to do. In addition to the antidepressants I was put on, the doctor recommended I go for counseling. I went for two sessions of counseling and discontinued because they left me confused. Looking back it was either I wasn't presenting my issue right or the counselor wasn't taking time to understand me. By God's grace I was off the drugs and was back to my bubbly self. I had thoughts of changing the course but that didn't happen. I chose to stay put and finalize my Graduate degree. I was determined to get a masters degree in Economics. I therefore rejoined in 2012 and began my journey with caution. The Director actually advised me to take a maximum of 2 units per semester.
Lets just say I was in for a long ride, I am yet to graduate with a masters degree in Economics 8 years later. I instead graduated in faith and a relationship with God. When I resumed classes in 2012, I experienced attacks of depression. Several sessions with the psychiatrist revealed that what I was suffering from was in fact anxiety disorder which would graduate to depression. It was not until this year that I got an understanding of what was happening to me all this while.Everything made sense over this period I have been home and experienced a sense of calmness. A lot more happened in between that could fill a book. All I know is the moments I felt was the end points translated into new beginnings.
Even without a masters degree, I went a grade up at work in 2013. I was actually dealing with an attack at that point when I got promoted. Its so funny because word was going round I was gaining weight because my pockets were fuller while in actual sense it was the antidepressants that were making me balloon up. This was to be the first sign I needed to see but I didn't. I kept pushing wrongly and got burned deeply. I did my exams with so much fear of failing and sometimes while on medication. My fears came to life. I failed two units that I retook with much difficulty. This was another sign I was supposed to see but missed out on. I am through with my course work and currently working on my project. I am very positive I will get to graduate.
I would like to explain to you what happened to me and how I ended up sick. I was trying to control my future. I was trying to take care of my mother. I put my masters at a level so high and forgot God. This is what made me sick. I placed value on the masters and forgot whose child I was. God opened a door of promotion, mum began constructing her house and I started practicing as an Economist even without my masters. I have interacted with high profile persons and pushed agendas at levels I never thought possible. God ensured I was good at my work and when He noticed I was worshiping that work, He reminded me who I should be worshiping. Oh and I got married 💓. I have since recovered. God has been faithful. Anxiety attacks is not anything I would wish on anyone. It paralyses an individual.
I wrote this article not for a pity party but to remind us all to stop trying to control our future or life. Live in the present, serve and acknowledge God in your life. Surrender controlling things and let God take control. Stop thinking because you don't have this or that now, your life is doomed. Choose to focus on the plan God has for you. I can confirm to each of us that the plans of man aren't plans of God. He says I got you, allow me to get you there. That thing that you are working so hard to get that is so elusive release it. God is saying to us all worship Me not those things. Some of us are too caught up worshiping getting married, a job , a baby ,... when should be worshiping the One true God. Until we learn Who we should rightfully worship, we shall continue to live in unhappiness.
Another key reason why I wrote this piece is in efforts to end the stigma around mental health. I don't hide the battle I have had with anxiety that resulted into depression. I have experienced stigma that brought to light the reason why many people commit suicide instead of seeking help. I have had moments when those that know of my battle have insinuated I have behaved in a certain way because of the illness that once befell me. I am treated like a victim of mental health instead of a victor of mental health. Its time to understand that mental health is a health issue like any other. Having a mental health issue doesn't mean one cannot live a normal life. Illnesses around mental health are many and no one is immune. People recover from mental illnesses. Mental illnesses can recur in one person. Just like it happens for other known diseases like Malaria, BP, Diabetes and so on. Make an informed decision today to end the stigma you could have on anyone dealing or who has dealt with a mental illness. Same way we understand other patients , let us understand patients of mental health. Stigmatizing only makes things worse.
While trying to control my future landed me into anxiety and climaxed to depression, it's possible you trying to control things is resulting into a disease you are battling. Let it all go and let God. None of us made an application to be born and therefore the One who ensured we landed safely got us. All we need to do is serve Him truthfully.
Feel free to write to me through my email annewacha@gmail.com if you need help on any of the things I have talked about.
Wow! Grace thank you for lifting the stigma around mental health. Indeed it is peaceful and sweet to trust in Jesus and to lean on God. Am glad you discovered your identity. Not a mentally ill patient but the child of God who needed help at some point. Kudos girl
ReplyDeleteWell said. Thank you for reading and for the feedback
DeleteThanks for sharing your story Graceanne.Your testimony indeed a manifestation of God's love and Grace in your life. Many times we fail because we try to control our lives and future forgetting that God is charge. We should leave all out worries and sorrows unto Him. May God continue to bless and expand your boundaries just like He did to Jezebel as you continue to let Him take charge of yourlife!🙏🏽🙏🏽
ReplyDeleteAmen Amen. Well said. Thank you for reading and for feedback.
Deletethanks for sharing your story.Am sure it will help many battling with same n it is an eye opener to us to b kind to all patients.Am pround of u n may Almighty God keep strengthening u n fighting your battles.
ReplyDeleteAmen amen. Thank you for reading and for the feedback.
DeleteThanks for sharing, indeed God wants us to fully trust and depend on Him.
ReplyDeleteWell said. We forget we serve a jealous God. It is only He we should worship. Thank you for reading and for the feedback
DeleteGod got us for sure. Let’s also take time to relax and listen more from inside ie from the heart
ReplyDeleteWell said Judy. Thanks for reading and for the feedback
DeleteMay God propel u even to heights beyond your expectation. I can relate to some things but I don't know how to explain
ReplyDeleteAmen and amen. May God give you enlightenment for those things you can't explain. Thank you for reading and for the feedback
DeleteGrace you are healed, thats why you are able to share. I thank God for your journey. You are a very strong woman. May you continue enjoying the rest in Christ.
ReplyDeleteYou are very clear pointing out that its only God who can make us complete. Asante. God bless you.
Thank you for your kind words. I give God the glory for the healing, it was Physical and Spiritual healing for me. The experience brought me to the understanding I now hold. Total surrender to God. Accepting His will and giving Him full control over my life. I involve God in everything even the simplest of things like taking a shower or going to the salon. He leads my path.
DeleteThank you for reading and for the feedback