The Road from Nowhere to Somewhere - Part 1

I first noticed something was off when I couldn't sleep. I would wake up at night and my mind was a market of people talking. No discussion was complete. The talks would be left hanging and another would soon start. It was one thought after another. All happening inside my head. Saying my mind was flooded with thoughts is an understatement. What I was experiencing was a hurricane of thoughts. This is a story of my life and the fire I had to go through to get me to the spiritual understanding I now hold. A story of how I am able to put it up together even in difficult circumstances. 

It all began in 2011. I had signed up for my graduate degree in Economics because I wanted to better myself and my family. I figured the degree would open lots of doors that I considered locked because of my academic qualifications. The degree was to offer me bargaining power with an employer. I would also have a sense of direction in my profession. A better pay meant I could help mum build a house. She had given up so much for me , it was time for me to give her back. My undergraduate degree was in Bed (Arts) specializing in Economics and Mathematics. This rightfully placed me in teaching, but I didn’t feel I wanted my life to revolve around teaching in a classroom. Don’t get me wrong, I respect classroom teachers. My mother is a teacher and she has sisters and a brother who are teachers. I truly respect the profession because I have witnessed what mum, my uncle and aunties have been able to do for themselves as teachers. 

After graduation I went into selling insurance. I would actually tell myself I am teaching people on investment and savings plans. I did this for 2 years until I felt insurance sales wasn't for me. I began looking for a job in the corporate world but no one seemed to be able to place me. Who am I kidding, I felt lost. I felt the corporate world would not take me since I belonged in a class teaching. True to my thoughts, I applied for a class teaching job and got it. I remember my friend and I hunting for a teaching job. I was hired and she wasn't. This was despite her undergraduate course being more lucrative than mine. I was hired because I was a professionally trained teacher. I taught for a month then resigned because I felt underpaid in addition to the dissatisfaction inside me. When I resigned, I went back into insurance sales but that too wasn't satisfying. Luckily I got another teaching job with a better pay. 

I was still not happy, reason being I was heading computer classes. Yes I also hold a post graduate diploma in Institute for the Management of Information Systems -IMIS (UK). I had made it clear to my employer that my preference was teaching Economics or Mathematics. The teaching position that was available and the one I was interviewed for was computer classes. My employer had lots of confidence in me that I could teach computer. This was also because I was teaching IT and Economics in my previous school. I told myself,” Grace you can do this”. When I got into reading the syllabus, I realized they are things I had been taught at an advanced level. It was a walk in the park. The school job worked well too because by 3 we would go home. Part of me didn't feel I belonged in a classroom so I still continued job hunting. An opportunity arose in a government agency and this was the breakthrough that I needed. It didn’t matter that the pay was going to be less. What mattered was I was where I felt I belonged. It was time to fly and actualize my dreams. 

Armed with an undergraduate degree in teaching there were times colleagues would be tell me I should be teaching. Efforts to explain I specialized in subjects done in other courses went down the drain. I needed to deal with this nightmare. The only way I saw was a Graduate degree in either Mathematics or Economics. I chose Economics. Here I was now enrolled and going after what I felt was the door to my success. Everything was going to plan. I had saved enough cash and cleared my semester fees. I even had a plan on how I would ensure I never lacked fees. I ensured my bills would be serviced by 60% of my earnings and the 40% was to be saved towards financing my education. Then the headaches began. I couldn’t read. I was too scared. Economics suddenly became too difficult. Even the simple calculations I knew I could do I couldn’t understand. My world came crumbling down.

I would go to class and find myself gazing at the lecturer but I was lost in my own world. I felt trapped. I was frustrated. I wondered how things would be for me. I was sinking in my professional career. I found myself questioning who I was. I questioned everything because even socially I was still single. Nothing seemed to be going right for me. I would go for baby and bridal showers and smile all through. Once home I would cry myself to sleep and the headaches persisted.

Feelings of worthlessness were on the menu every morning, in fact every minute I was awake. What will I be? Who am I? How will I make mum proud? How will I make a life for myself? Will I ever get married? Why can’t I understand this Economics? If I quit this course, what course do I pursue? I couldn’t get any answers. All these unanswered questions made things worse for me and I began being suicidal. With the family background I had of relatives who had committed suicide, I was convinced something was up. I remember taking myself to the student’s clinic hoping to get help. I told my colleague I was going to hospital and I would be back. The students clinic made lots of economic sense because I had paid medical. I also didn't have the luxury of an outpatient cover and knew it was a cost I wasn't ready to bare.

When I went in, I told the doctor how I was feeling. I told him I was too tensed and couldn't relax. Then I mentioned I was suicidal and immediately he suggested I see another doctor. At this point I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't turn off the tears. It felt like a tap of tears had been opened and the tap broken. The lady doctor was kind enough to allow me to cool of and when I did, she listened to my story. I can't remember what I told her but I remember her mentioning I needed to find time to see the head psychiatrist. That shocked me. I went into denial. Are you suggesting I am going crazy? I am not crazy I just need things to calm my thoughts. To stop the headaches. To be able to sleep better. Being a doctor is a calling I tell you. I suppose her being a psychiatrist on training helped her deal with me. She prescribed me some drugs which I would later learn were multivitamins and I went back to the office. I took the drugs and when I went to class that evening I was able to learn. Things went normal for a while and then assignments and CAT kicked in and all hell broke once more.

I found myself shaking in class. Not that it was cold. I was shaking in fear. I didn't feel I could go through. The fear was made worse when a lecturer came and said those that didn't have an undergraduate in deep economics were in for a long ride. The suicidal thoughts came back. I couldn't sleep. I dreaded waking up. I remember buying myself Smirnoff Vodka 500ml to go drink dry. It was me trying to make myself relax and perhaps burn my intestines and wake up dead. All this was after I mentioned to my friend how I was feeling. She told me to relax everything would work out. She actually took me to the salon and paid for my eyebrows. Our date was however cut short because she needed to get home to her husband. Alone in town I thought the Vodka would help me sleep that day. When I got to my house , I opened the Vodka and gulped mouthfuls. I told God to finish me with the Vodka. Ohh and I took the Vodka with avocado. Don't laugh. It made perfect sense to me. I knew taking it very fast and on an empty stomach would send me straight to my Maker. Nilijipata nimebleki (Alcohol took over and I slept). When I woke up, I puked all my intestines out and sobered up.

I was clearly going mad. I remembered the words the doctor had told me sometimes back. The following day I went to see the psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with depression. I told him I need my life back. I need things to make sense again. He suggested admitting me and I obliged. I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me. I was embarrassed. What was I going to tell my friends who knew Grace Anne, the strong lady who has her life figured out?. How can I tell them I was feeling like killing myself? How could I tell my mother what was on my mind? I stayed on. All this happened on a Tuesday and since I needed some personal items I called my colleague to bring them to me at the sick bay. She came to see me immediately after reporting to work the following day. I told her not to tell anyone. I wanted to deal with everything myself. She didn't keep her promise. When she went back to the office she got in touch with my uncle who called mum and informed her I had been hospitalized. He and mum actually came to see me over lunch hour. Lets just say the whole family came, I received love. During the one week I was hospitalized I received visitors from my grandmother to my brother to my aunties friends. Mum came to see me daily. She couldn't imagine I had kept all this from her. When I was released, she said I was to go to her house not my place.

With the diagnosis, my doctor recommended a break from school to give me time to heal and gave me a letter to take to my school Director. The Director was really kind to me. She encouraged me and told me of someone she knew who had gone through a similar experience. The person had since recovered and was living a normal life. I was allowed to defer my classes by one year. All school fees intact. Mine was to present myself the following year same time.