When Nothing makes Sense

 A majority of us have at one point or the other made prayers to God. I happen to fall in this category. Early in the year 2023 I was making a prayer to God to bless me with a child. Every parent wants a better life or circumstance for their child. Growing up as an only child ( my brother came way later after clearing highschool),  I sometimes felt lonely. I therefore desired to give Zanetta (my daughter) a sibling. She too prayed everyday for one. Our prayer was answered in 2020 but got cut 10 weeks later.  Read the story here : 

https://doublefavor.blogspot.com/2020/07/born-at-ten-weeks-mothers-tribute.html?m=1

As the year 2023 progressed something told me I would get pregnant that year. I held on to that faith. It finally happened in May. I did the test and couldn't believe what I had prayed for was coming to pass. When I got to know I was pregnant the following day on my way to work the congratulations song by Ada played and so did Evelyne Wanjiru's song : Asante. That was a confirmation and sign I was truly pregnant and would deliver a boy.  

As days progressed the history of 2020 began haunting me. Going to the toilet was a nightmare because I was scared of seeing blood. The stains of blood was how it had started till I finally miscarriage in 2020. The anxiety was unbearable. It eased slightly when a friend reminded me I had safely delivered a baby before the miscarriage after carrying her during the same period. This helped ease pressure as I chose to focus on the successful pregnancy. 

Unfortunately  early July and on the same day I lost two friends to suicide. These were people I had talked to trying to show them life makes sense they don't need to take their life. From then on the anxiety birthed other things. I feared waking up. I didn't want to go to work , actually being at work scared me. Depression had kicked in. Having suffered from depression before and knowing the side effects of the drugs I decided not to seek medical help. I wanted to fight it out alone. Each day however got worse. In one of my antenatal clinics the gynaecologist convinced me to see a psychiatrist. He went ahead to tell me in the next clinic I should bring a report. There was no escaping. It was either I change the doctor or just see the psychiatrist. I chose the latter and was diagnosed with depression in pregnancy. I was also put on medication. This was after the doctor convinced me he had put me on the least dose, the med he had given me was safe and since I was past 3 months the baby's major organs had formed so it was ok. I started the drugs and also put it in myself I would fight the depression. It would not take me down. 

It was really a struggle as even work became unbearable. What I previously did with so much ease I couldn't. The tasks seemed too hard. Thank God for my colleagues , they supported me. Plus I started getting things like panic attacks and had one at work. The attack would make me dizzy and run out of breath. It was really scary. When I mentioned it to the doctor he told me it's normal during pregnancy as the pregnancy grows. When December came I decided to go book an elective CS at Agakhan Hospital (Zanetta was born through CS too). My gna had told me Agakhan have a very good ( affordable )maternity package. As a requirement I needed to be seen by a doctor at Agakhan . The doctor who saw me told me my tummy was abnormally big so he recommended I do a scan. 

The scan results scared me even more; I was informed I had too much amniotic fluid and my cervix was short. I was advised to do a fetal scan which is in 3D to know if the baby was abnormal hence causing the increased fluid. Apparently if the baby can't swallow or their  stomach has an issue or they have an abnormality , it can lead to lots of amniotic fluid. The condition of lots of amniotic fluid is called Polyhydramnios. It was then I got to understand why I was constantly running out of breath (panic attacks) and why sleeping had become uncomfortable as early as second trimester. The fluid doesn't affect the baby but the mother experiences lots of discomforts 😞.  The scan was done and our boy was ok. Nothing from him could explain the Polyhydramnios. I was sent for some lab tests to check for infections from me, all turned negative . The doctor also advised me the options I had to handle with the condition.One was to drain some of the amniotic fluid. The draining involves using a needle 💉 through the stomach into the uterus. The other was to be on total bed 🛏️ rest. I chose total bed rest because the draining option was too scary and risky. The risks of draining involved are infecting the baby and preterm labour. The doctor released me after prescribing steroids to develop the lungs in case  I went into labour.  

I didn't stay long after diagnosis, it was actually a week later. One Sunday on 17th December my water broke and we had to rush to Aga Khan hospital. After examination the next thing I heard was code red and I was rushed to the theatre for an emergency CS. It was after this that our son was taken to the NICU because he was born at 32 weeks and also because he had to be resuscitated after I was put on full anesthetia . It wasn't easy seeing him inside that cube. He stayed there and was moved on Thursday HDU for newborns.We stayed there till we were released on Tuesday a week after being admitted.

When I got the name to give my son Nathanael ( means God's gift and God gives) God promised He would give all we needed. He gave and gave. We only paid for slippers. Some would say I  have good insurance cover, I however know I have a great God. God healed us both and provided for us. 

That is my testimony. Trust God in all circumstances. He is there for us all. The year 2023 ended with a testimony in my mouth. I pray you who have read this narration be blessed and receive your own testimony. Lots of things happened that I haven't shared but I can confirm the water had to break on a Sunday when Christians go to church and pray for the sick. The CS wasn't easy it was by God all went well for both of us. Things didn't make sense then but now they do because I know God was there all through and never left my side.