MONEY MATTERS IN MARRIAGE

"Money is more important than sex in making or breaking relationships. People can accommodate different sexual preferences more easily than differences over handling money."

What are the problem areas?

1. Handling the money

It can cause resentment if one partner feels left with all the responsibility of sorting out the money issues. They feel as if they have all the work and all the worry.

2. Attitudes to money

If you are a miser living with a spendthrift nightmares can result. Resentment can build up. If you are a worrier living with someone with a devil may care attitude the mismatch may create friction.

3.Different priorities

Husbands and wives may have different goals and different fears. One may be paranoid about getting into debt the other may have no problem with loans and credit cards. He might want a flash car, she might want some money in the bank or he might want to retire early but she wants to spend it on the latest fashion or new carpets. He may think the new home cinema is a new asset to the home, she may see it as a boy's toy. One of you may be more interested in having fun, the other in settling down, nesting and starting a family. If the differences are fundamental this can create conflict.

4. Underlying problems

Money arguments may be merely a symptom of a larger underlying problem. Susan Quilliam, in her book Stop Arguing, Start Talking, says that arguments aren't always what they appear to be on the surface - there are many levels of disagreement. If your partner spends without your agreement, you feel robbed of power, and afraid of what else might happen that you disagree with. Or it might bring back powerful feelings from your childhood that you have not resolved - if money was always tight maybe you are still uneasy about spending, even if cash is available. So the argument may not always be about what it seems.

How to avoid the problems that can sabotage a relationship?

1. Talk Directly

Some people may find it embarrassing but it is essential to talk directly about money and your attitudes to money to make sure you are on the same wavelength early on in relationships. You shouldn't assume that you understand how someone feels from what you can see about their behaviour - although it can flag up some warning signs if moths fly out the wallet when it is opened! If you can talk about it you may be able to forge compromises - before it is too late.

2.Discuss your goals

Make sure you both know what your short- medium- and long term goals are. Financially this can be anything from paying off your credit card bills, to saving up for a deposit for a house, to the ability of one person not to work while children are small. If you don't want the same things are you in the right relationship?

3. Discuss your Debt attitudes

Do you both feel the same way about debt? Are you happy paying for the new sofa on a credit card or would you rather save up. Avoid conflicts by understanding one another's attitudes to debt, to spending and to the future.

4.Set some rough limits

Decide how much one of you can spend without consulting the other. Work out how much you are happy to spend on a typical night out.

5.Work out a budget

Sit down and make a list of all expenses - and don't forget to include an allowance for irregular items such as the dentist and car maintenance as well as the obvious bills. Compare this with your income and it should give you a good idea of how much "disposable income" you have - if any and then you can plan what to do with this. If you have no disposable income then you need to have a serious chat about where and how to cut back.

6.Share budgeting responsibilities

You should both know how much you pay for rent/mortgage, council tax, utility bills, car and house insurance, and so on. You should both have an understanding of your total debts and/or savings and investments. Neither partner should feel that they have the entire worry or responsibility.

7.Joint and separate accounts

 For couples where both are working and one partner resents the free spending of the other one solution is to have both joint and separate accounts. You work out what the household expenditures are - mortgage, bills, housekeeping and so on - agreeing on what constitutes a joint expenditure in areas where there may be issues - for example one couple don't buy booze out of the joint account as one of them drinks far more than the other. Then agree to pay a certain amount of your salary into the joint account each month which will cover all the bills. You will need to discuss how much each will pay - some couples may want to pay 50:50 despite the fact that one partner earns more than the other - while others may agree that the person earning the most should pay proportionately more. What each person then has left is his or her own to spend. Alternatively, you could both pay everything into the joint account and then pay yourselves a monthly allowance and neither partner is allowed to criticise what that allowance is spent on.

8. Prioritise your expenses

Don't book an expensive holiday when you are paying off debts. Work out what is more important - a new car or a new bedroom suite, or to put some money by for a rainy day and then stick to the plan. And don't forget most financial advisers suggest that you have three to six months' salary put by to cope with unexpected events so perhaps this should be your first goal.

9. Plan for Treats

Don't forget the occasional treat Unless you are really hard up you should give yourselves the odd treat. Most people work really hard and if it is all scrimping and saving for some future gratification it can be very dismal.

Finally

If you need more convincing about the role that money plays in relationships you only need look at research done by Warwick University which found that men who lose their jobs can say goodbye to their wives. After interviewing 6,000 couples Professor Andrew Oswald found that "one of the strongest statistical findings is that the higher the man's income, the greater the chance of the couple staying together.

"Men among the top 20% of earners are 46% less likely to get divorced than those in the bottom 20%. But the sudden changes for the worse can have an enormous effect on a marriage. "Their partnership is more likely to end in the year afterwards. Unexpectedly harsh economic times can wreak havoc with the chances of staying together.

Kindly Note:

* It is not low income that does most of the damage. It is dashed expectations," said Professor Andrew Oswald.

*This isn't my original work.

Self- Inflicted Pain

Weekends especially Sundays are the day I prefer to do my laundry -after mass. I think of it as a way of bonding with my house and of course do some exercises  . I happen to appreciate having long nails and do what I can to ensure I grow and maintain them. Long nails and laundry however don't go hand in hand. During washing the nails will either break or leave scratches on my hands. The latter is what happened this weekend. I am therefore healing a self-inflicted wound that gave me a lesson to share with us all today.

See friends often times we do things that we so know well will cause us harm. I don't know whether it’s because we appreciate having pain or it’s just that we have never known true painless life. We know what we need to do to avoid harm/pain coming our way but we choose to do it anyway. Say unprotected sex, we know we can contract HIV or have an unwanted pregnancy but continue to indulge in it. We know unplanned spending will lead us to being broke before the month ends and we still do it anyway.  We know nails will scratch us when doing laundry and I still choose to keep them anyway.

Well the message is clear to us. If we chose to go into harm’s way let us be ready to deal with the consequences of our choices without troubling those around us.  As some would say you can't  have….cake something (I have forgotten, someone help me out)

Twins on the Way Yipee!!

The joys of motherhood are an explainable. Children are a perfect gift from God, is what I have grown up knowing. To some extent when childbirth is delayed especially in women the African elder generation starts murmuring behind your back. The other day I attended a baby shower and the joys of my friend was written all over her face. We went on to tell her she is carrying an angel inside her one that will bring lots of joy into her life. Not far away I also learned another pal is carrying twins and boy oh boy I am super excited for her... Hmm may be because I have always wanted twins myself.  :)

This morning the song Nerea by sauti sol played on and I listened to it word by word. The young men visual image of the child is one that grows up to be a great personality. Nowhere did I hear them sing Huenda akawa White widow ama Osama. Truth be told when we envision bringing up a child we imagine it to become people of positive influence. So what goes wrong after the child is born?

See the reality of it is that we are born pure and without blemish. However with time we adopt varied bad behavior from the people around us. The innocence of a child is proved when a child cry’s for its mother after she has given it a thorough beating. So why is it that we forget that deep inside that rude person was once an innocent pure being? Their sole undoing was adapting to the cruel world around it. Why does a person take the life of another being? What happened to protecting that child deep inside whom we all had positive thoughts over?

Why does tribe, religion, race have to be the thing that separates us. After all we are all born through the same process and are housed in the same environment for 9 months. Why does one have to feel superior to another??

Today I just have too many endless questions. It’s unfortunate that as a country we continue to lose lives to fellow human beings. All for what really?

Hot Water into a Shallow Basin

When I moved into my current house, it came with its fair share of adjustments. Some luxuries I used to enjoy in the old house, hot shower, weren't available. Yap for the last hmmm , four years I have been bathing from the basin; the shower only produces cold water. Oh come on don't give me that look there's no extra socket to fix my own hot shower appliances. Honestly speaking thou I am tired of having to pre-boil water to shower, more so coz it means I have to wake up earlier than usual.

Sometimes there's no water flowing in the bathroom so I cool my bath water with stored water. When there's water I fetch from the tap and pour in the cold water  before the hot water. Sometimes back I would cool it directly from the tap but discovered I ended up having less water to shower,story for another day. Back to the basin , yesterday I decided to pour the hot water directly into an empty basin. Let's just say I was saved by my towel. The hot water splashed and it almost caught my skin. I had to abandon the whole new style and revert to my old style. And with that came a lesson I need to share.

See friends we all find ourselves in hot situations. These situations require us to have wisdom to prevent us from getting burnt. Let me break it down. In a relationship, when two people are at logger heads, when they both pour out the heat without having a coolant they are bound to get burned. Fights are not solved without having one person ready to act as a coolant. At work we are not going to go far if we all want to feel superior. Pouring the cold water acts as a shield from the sprinkles of hot water. In the end when the cold water mixes with the hot water the temperature becomes right for me to enjoy my bath. Same case applies in our real life, when one person swallows their pride, there's is bound to be a smoother way forward. It is because of lacking a coolant that the growing running battles are happening every Monday in our country. Let us be wise. Being a coolant isn't foolish, it actually helps prevent unpleasant situations.

Think about it my friends. Hope it made sense.

Porridge for Breakfast

Monotony has always been boring for me and therefore once in a while I go out of my norm to have something different. It occurred to me that since I moved out of mum's house, I had never made porridge in my house. I decided to try out something new for a change and so bought porridge flour. I had actually ventured into this project early in the year but ended up donating the flour, but determined I bought another packet in the next shopping. Oh well and last Sunday the aroma of porridge was finally in my house. ;)

I must say it had been ages since I made porridge and shockingly I had forgotten. I almost called a friend to ask them how to cook it but decided to mix it up on my own from my memmory. Only when it was half way done did I remember that they normally have instructions on the packet. The porridge tasted really good once it was ready but I had to add lots of water because it was too thick. I had gotten the cups to flour ratio wrong. But one thing for sure the next porridge I am cooking in my house I will be more knowledgeable. And this brings me to the lesson for today.

See friends, life is about not being afraid to fail and taking chances to learn something new. The reason majority of us keep stagnating in one place is because we are too afraid to fail and hence never get the experience we need to increase our skills. I am not the same Waleopard  I was before Sunday. At least I know I won't be taken back to my mother's house to learn how to cook porridge for my family.  :P The only way we will become better is if we are willing to take the chance to learn. Think about it my friend.

Truth is regardless of the outcome, the experience makes us better. Don't be afraid to love because you are afraid to get hurt. Don't be afraid to venture into a business because you are afraid to make losses. The only way you will know if something works for you or not is if you are willing to involve yourself.

Wishing us all a Blessed day

Too much Luggage

Not so long ago I went to see off a friend at the airport.She was traveling to further her satudies. Being her first time to travel she had packed lots of stuff. She kept saying that her luggage is more than the required weight but she chose to carry it to the airport anyway..When we later connected she told me she was forced to pay for the extra load of luggage.

Today as I sat down going through my emails I thought of that incidence with my friend. I thought of the times we ourselves see people who are wrong for us in this journey of life but still insist on carrying them on our life journey. They are not necessary for our journey but we still carry them and end up paying to keep them with us. Isn't it time we lessen our luggage in life to cut down on avoidable costs like heart aches,ulcers,depression e.t.c.

If you have gone on a mountain or hill climbing, you will agree with me that carrying heavy luggage is discouraged as it slows you down during your journey.There are those of us who have slowed down because we insist on carrying heavy loads on our back in the life journey. Time to say ; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. release the load off your back,HEART, MEMORY,MIND and see yourself move.

Release those people that are always pulling you down. Release those people that are treating you disrespectfully . Release those people that don't want you in their life. Release those past pains that scare you from allowing you to experience joy. It makes you lighter and you will move faster and happier and enjoying your life journey. Think about it today.

Have a good weekend my friends.

The Burned Sufuria (Cooking pot)

I love deep frying stuff  most in-particular my arrowroots after boiling them. Some time back after deep frying (I use a sufuria; kitchen make over needed asp)I forgot to put off the gas and the oil boiled and boiled.I only realized what was happening when the sitting-room was filled with smoke. Lets just say I was lucky it was on a weekend when I am in the house not a weekday when I leave for work. God surely grants me favor.

Anyway I let the sufuria cool off then went into the hard task of scrubbing the stains that were stuck on the sufuria. Unfortunately not all the stains got out and I was forced to abandon the whole stain removal operation. Last weekend I renewed the need to quench the stain removal thirst and sure enough all the stains got out and my sufuria is sparkling shining once more. And this formed the lesson for today.

See friends in life we all begin tasks that we plan will end well and leave us satisfied and happy. However, mishaps that were unplanned for do happen and leave us bruised and hurting. The hurt comes in many ways and no matter how much we wish to rid ourselves of it its tends to be deeply entrenched. Continuous focus of the hurt and pain coupled with regrets only make us worse off. Allowing ourselves time to heal ensures the hurt is completely replaced and our original state is restored. See I could have continued to scrub the sufuria but I chose to remove what was possible to remove that time. With each day I scrubbed the sufuria a stain got off and finally its fully restored.

Friends doesn't matter the loss or hurt you are going through right now. Don't expect a 360 degrees turn to restoration. The restoration may be gradual but it does eventually come to those don't give up. Continuous scrubbing will bring restoration. Hold on my dear friends. God will bring that restoration; keep faith and never quit on yourself.

I wish us all a blessed day. God loves us all and is faithful even when we can't see it.

When love just isn't enough

Growing up my mother ensured that she paid fees to give me education. Once she paid her role was done. No matter how much she would wish to do the exam for me that I pass well it was my call.  Now grown up her wish is for me to prosper but that again will be based on the choices I make. She counsels me but that is the much she can do.

As individuals we love people and always want the best for them. But you see sometimes love isn't enough to make them choose the right thing. More so as parents or with our spouses. When we play our part in their life we should love ourselves enough to let them choose what they need in life. We may not want harm to come their way but yet again we cannot be their shadow as we too have a life to live and enjoy. Most of us are living unhappy in life because we are busy trying to control the life of those we love. The only life you have a ability to control and live is your own.

Don't let the love you have for another human being enslave you and hinder you from living your life. Play your role and let those you love play theirs too. As a spouse, friend or parent, relative love without attachment and allow those you love to make mistakes and learn from them.

You cannot do it all by yourself

Sometimes back, I took my favorite shoes to the cobbler and was to collect them yesterday. So after work when I went I found the cobbler was doing the final touches on them. Once done I requested him to remove the old heel tips so that I can go input the extra pair I was given when purchasing them. When I got home it was easy fixing and I thought to myself I will be doing it for myself. I felt proud wearing the shoe this morning.

When I got to town however the tip was no more. I had to take it to a cobbler who unfortunately didn't have the tips for my shoe. So now I am walking in shoes making funny noises at the heel.

As I think about the incident today, the daily lesson is clear. We all wish we could do everything for ourselves and never depend on others. But you see God didn't create us that way. He created us to need on each other. No man is an island. So next time you need to get help from someone don't feel bad. They too will need help at some point. And next time someone comes to you for help ensure you go the extra mile coz you never know when next you shall need help.

My Morning Drama with a Twist

As I leave the gate I find this adorable little girl with her father and I smile at her.  I try to ask her to leave with me but she refuses -- guess she knows one isn't supposed to leave with strangers. I proceed to the stage with the perfect image and feeling of a beautiful baby. Been seeing lots of them lately, guess motherhood is calling me seriously. I get into the mat and this lady who seats next to me squeezes me to the corner. I was in such high moods and no amount of selfish seat mate was going to mess my morning. I ignore her and log into facebook to catch up on what has been happening.

Few rides away the minibus abruptly stops and "some conductors" , it had excess, get out running speedily leaving two behind. A policeman gets in and orders them to go at the back of the minibus. That is when it hits me ,Mat imeshikwa!!, the minibus is being taken into custody.(I think i have thought that in my mother tongue and directly translated it in English) . We were not far from the police station so we are all driven inside as the policeman loudly asked who had their seat belt on. Passangers hastily look for them but all seem broken. I have seen this drama before so I thought it will be another day in court coz I wasn't going to pay bribe.Luckily we were told to all alight, It's My Morning Drama!!

As I leave the gate I find this adorable little girl with her father and I smile at her as I try to ask her to leave with me. She refused but only because she knows one isn't supposed to leave with strangers. I walk to the stage with the perfect image and feeling of a beautiful baby. I have been seeing lots of them lately, guess motherhood is calling me seriously . I get into the mat and this lady sits next to me squeezing me to the corner. I was in such high moods and no amount of selfish seat mate was going to mess my morning. I ignore her and log into facebook to catch up on what has been happening.

Few rides away the minibus abruptly stops and "some conductors" , it had excess, get out running speedily leaving two behind as a policeman gets in and orders them to go at the back of the minibus. That is when it hits me ,Mat imeshikwa!!, the minibus is being taken into custody.(I think i have thought that in my mother tongue and directly translated it in English) We were not far from the police station so we are all driven inside as the policeman loudly asked who had their seat belt on. Passangers hastily look for them but all seem broken. I have seen this drama before so I thought it will be another day in court coz I wasn't going to pay bribe. Luckily we are told to all alight, It's a good thing no one dared talk back at the cop coz he later said if any had dared they would have been left behind and had a date with them the whole day, sounded very familiar.

I however raised my voice to the conductor to give us back our money. Others joined in and the policeman instructed him to give us back our money. Earlier on , the policeman seemed hostile to us and it seemed like we would alight having lost our time and money. Today was a different day and we were each given back 50bob, the total fare charged initially was 80. We walked out of the police station to look for alternative means which I got  and was charged 30bob. So my total fare today was 60bob; after all that drama I saved 20 bob and as usual got some lessons and reality wake up calls.

Life lessons :
1. We have the power to choose what we allow bother us, selfish seatmate,
2. Previous bad encounters will not always mean a replica when similar situations reoccur, previously i have wasted a whole day in cell and court because of a seat belt & refusing to pay bribe.
3. There is always good even in bad situations, saved 20 bob
4. Waleopard will not easily give up speaking out for justice, we were given back fare, .Kindly note there are times it gets me in trouble.

Harsh reality:
1. Freedom of speech is only in the constitution papers but not in reality, policeman said if any spoke out they would be inpounded.
2. Kenya has a long way to go in creating a cordial police and citizen relationship.

That was my morning drama.
Wishing us all a blessed day ahead