"Money is more important than sex in making or breaking relationships. People can accommodate different sexual preferences more easily than differences over handling money."
What are the problem areas?
1. Handling the money
It can cause resentment if one partner feels left with all the responsibility of sorting out the money issues. They feel as if they have all the work and all the worry.
2. Attitudes to money
If you are a miser living with a spendthrift nightmares can result. Resentment can build up. If you are a worrier living with someone with a devil may care attitude the mismatch may create friction.
3.Different priorities
Husbands and wives may have different goals and different fears. One may be paranoid about getting into debt the other may have no problem with loans and credit cards. He might want a flash car, she might want some money in the bank or he might want to retire early but she wants to spend it on the latest fashion or new carpets. He may think the new home cinema is a new asset to the home, she may see it as a boy's toy. One of you may be more interested in having fun, the other in settling down, nesting and starting a family. If the differences are fundamental this can create conflict.
4. Underlying problems
Money arguments may be merely a symptom of a larger underlying problem. Susan Quilliam, in her book Stop Arguing, Start Talking, says that arguments aren't always what they appear to be on the surface - there are many levels of disagreement. If your partner spends without your agreement, you feel robbed of power, and afraid of what else might happen that you disagree with. Or it might bring back powerful feelings from your childhood that you have not resolved - if money was always tight maybe you are still uneasy about spending, even if cash is available. So the argument may not always be about what it seems.
How to avoid the problems that can sabotage a relationship?
1. Talk Directly
Some people may find it embarrassing but it is essential to talk directly about money and your attitudes to money to make sure you are on the same wavelength early on in relationships. You shouldn't assume that you understand how someone feels from what you can see about their behaviour - although it can flag up some warning signs if moths fly out the wallet when it is opened! If you can talk about it you may be able to forge compromises - before it is too late.
2.Discuss your goals
Make sure you both know what your short- medium- and long term goals are. Financially this can be anything from paying off your credit card bills, to saving up for a deposit for a house, to the ability of one person not to work while children are small. If you don't want the same things are you in the right relationship?
3. Discuss your Debt attitudes
Do you both feel the same way about debt? Are you happy paying for the new sofa on a credit card or would you rather save up. Avoid conflicts by understanding one another's attitudes to debt, to spending and to the future.
4.Set some rough limits
Decide how much one of you can spend without consulting the other. Work out how much you are happy to spend on a typical night out.
5.Work out a budget
Sit down and make a list of all expenses - and don't forget to include an allowance for irregular items such as the dentist and car maintenance as well as the obvious bills. Compare this with your income and it should give you a good idea of how much "disposable income" you have - if any and then you can plan what to do with this. If you have no disposable income then you need to have a serious chat about where and how to cut back.
6.Share budgeting responsibilities
You should both know how much you pay for rent/mortgage, council tax, utility bills, car and house insurance, and so on. You should both have an understanding of your total debts and/or savings and investments. Neither partner should feel that they have the entire worry or responsibility.
7.Joint and separate accounts
For couples where both are working and one partner resents the free spending of the other one solution is to have both joint and separate accounts. You work out what the household expenditures are - mortgage, bills, housekeeping and so on - agreeing on what constitutes a joint expenditure in areas where there may be issues - for example one couple don't buy booze out of the joint account as one of them drinks far more than the other. Then agree to pay a certain amount of your salary into the joint account each month which will cover all the bills. You will need to discuss how much each will pay - some couples may want to pay 50:50 despite the fact that one partner earns more than the other - while others may agree that the person earning the most should pay proportionately more. What each person then has left is his or her own to spend. Alternatively, you could both pay everything into the joint account and then pay yourselves a monthly allowance and neither partner is allowed to criticise what that allowance is spent on.
8. Prioritise your expenses
Don't book an expensive holiday when you are paying off debts. Work out what is more important - a new car or a new bedroom suite, or to put some money by for a rainy day and then stick to the plan. And don't forget most financial advisers suggest that you have three to six months' salary put by to cope with unexpected events so perhaps this should be your first goal.
9. Plan for Treats
Don't forget the occasional treat Unless you are really hard up you should give yourselves the odd treat. Most people work really hard and if it is all scrimping and saving for some future gratification it can be very dismal.
Finally
If you need more convincing about the role that money plays in relationships you only need look at research done by Warwick University which found that men who lose their jobs can say goodbye to their wives. After interviewing 6,000 couples Professor Andrew Oswald found that "one of the strongest statistical findings is that the higher the man's income, the greater the chance of the couple staying together.
"Men among the top 20% of earners are 46% less likely to get divorced than those in the bottom 20%. But the sudden changes for the worse can have an enormous effect on a marriage. "Their partnership is more likely to end in the year afterwards. Unexpectedly harsh economic times can wreak havoc with the chances of staying together.
Kindly Note:
* It is not low income that does most of the damage. It is dashed expectations," said Professor Andrew Oswald.
*This isn't my original work.
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