The Good , Bad , Ugly and Beauty of Social Groups.

 I don't know about you but I am in : welfare , several social media, chama and activities groups. The other day through the Gratitude journey, I took time to reflect on the friends I have had since childhood. It was quite a revelation I must add. The benefits of the Gratitude journey have been enormous for me. Anyway back to the groups.

I took time to reflect on the groups I am in. It was a moment of self reflection and cleaning up. The revelation is what I wish to share with you. 

- The groups are quite a number. 

- Do I have regrets for being in any of them? No

- Is everything shared, said and discussed of relevance to me? No

- Are there people who I could wish away? Yes

- Are there people I would miss if they left the group? Yes

- Does everyone in the group have to like me? No

- Do the groups add value to me? Yes

- Can I please and satisfy everyone in the group? No even God doesn't🤷🏾‍♀️

- Does my opinion in the group have to be similar to everyone? No

The above questions brought so much revelation to me. The peace that came with the revelation is liberating. I made a decision to identify my purpose for being in each group. This is what shall determine how long I last as a member. 

The reality is these social groups have all kinds of people. Different personalities, objectives and going through different struggles and levels in life. One can therefore not expect harmony. There will be those with an objective to abuse others in the group. There are those dealing with self esteem issues and will want to put everyone down. On the flip side there those that want to spread love and grow others. Who each of us becomes is up to us. It's a choice everyone makes in life. Social groups are no different from individuals. After all they pull individuals together. 

My analysis made me resolve to not let any individual drawing me away from my objective bother me. It's the same thing in life. Someone said we cannot keep throwing stones at every dog that barks at you. It could be barking because it's in pain and you not a vet. Or it could have seen a fly and it's barking in excitement. This is wasting valuable time you would have used to reach your destination. Well of course there those that bark to alert you of danger or because they are excited to see you. These dogs you don't ignore. You give them attention because they are valuable in ensuring you get to your destination as a whole. 

Forgive me for using the dog analogy but I hope the message is home. Don't carry things said in social groups to heart. Don't carry things said to you by individuals to heart. Don't try to transform everyone to yourself. Don't try to please and satisfy all. Identify your objective and purpose. Then stick to it. Change only when you are convinced it adds value to your life not subtracts value to you.

The questions to us all are: 

1. What are the objectives of all the groups I am in? 

2. Are the objectives being fulfilled?

The Child of Womb and Child of Back

Just recently I remembered a story that was shared by a former boss. He told us how he failed to give his brother money to enable him release his wife from hospital after she had given birth. Later that very day he went and completed a transaction for his new car that had just landed. This took majority of us present at the meeting by surprise. I would say we gave him blank looks perhaps calling him a mean person. He just smiled. It seems he was totally not surprised by our reaction. Before we could continue the rest of the meeting in disgust, he explained his actions. 

He told us child birth isn't an emergency. His brother had 9 months to plan for it. He went on to explain if his brother had an initial plan that failed it wasn't right to wait till last minute. This made perfect sense. My boss then went ahead to explain had he not paid for his new car he would have dealt with fines. He wondered why he's the one to pay for someone else's irresponsibility. Oh and how he had squeezed up his savings to get to that point. Oh and the car was a pressing need for him.  The car was to comply with the image when he meets his clients. This would help him raise money to finally secure a house for his family. 

At the end of the meeting each of us had a new kind of thinking. There are things that are not an emergency. It is just that we humans feel our needs are more important than those of others. It's no wonder a person will come to the salon and want to be attended to because they feel theirs is a simple task. Picture this, you go very early to the salon to get plaited and go about your day. A customer in need of Blow-dry comes and wants the person attending to you to stop so that they are attended to. If theirs was a simple task why didn't they book the hair dresser like you did? 

This same thinking is the reason some of us will think someone going for a holiday is wasting money. Or someone paying for a presidential suite when they have a luxurious mansion is wasting money. We need to wake up to some hard realities. 

The thinking that basic needs are food, shelter and clothing is long gone. A need becomes a need depending on how important it is to an individual. While a car is a luxury to one, it's a source of livelihood to another.  Stop looking at someone stressing over their BMW X5 as undeserving because you are stressing over food. They have food so they stress over the next important item.

Demeaning needs of others is also strongly linked to the numerous suicide cases. When a person opens up , their reason for wanting to take their life is because they lost 1dollar or their team lost and we demean that reason , we are tightening their suicide rope. Majority don't seek to understand the attachment one has to something. The dismiss it as a minor need. 

Let's learn to respect each other. We are all at different levels of life. We are all dealing with different struggles. No struggle is greater than the other. Let's not feel we are more placed to be helped, attended or listened to more than others. Let's not laugh at each others struggles because it appears mere. All of us are balanced in our own right. 

As those that speak my African language say, "There is no child of womb and of back"  Another saying closely related:  Only the shoe wearer knows how painfully the shoe pinches.

How Money Runs out of our Pockets

 A wise woman once said money is never enough for everything we want but it is enough for everything we need. For a long time I battled with this saying until I took time to do a self reflection. 

The best way to get the true picture of anything is by self reflection. I began with a historical background right when I was in campus. In campus, I survived on Kshs. 27,000  from Higher Education Loans Board (HELB) for 2 semesters equivalent to 6 months all factors constant. Well there were times I would get some cash from friends and relatives but that is what I currently refer to as unexpected income. There were classmates that more but I thank God because more loan money meant clearing university in high debts. HELB money meant each month I survived on Kshs. 4500. Mind you I still had spare money to go out, buy mitumba ( second hand items) and eat meat🙈🙈. 

I clear campus and the guaranteed 4,500 disappears. I survive in Nairobi hassling here and there. Goodness me there is a time I earned a salary of Kshs. 1500. Don't give me that look, I was on a commission earnings. Yes I still ate the following month and had a roof over my head. Thank God for mum who ensured food never lacked. Later I got a job and moved out of mom's place. Bills had to be paid and I planned myself the best way I could. The plan worked well because I could afford to pay for my masters without difficulty. God opened a door and I got a promotion. At that point I decided to move to a different area. The place I was living seemed out of touch with many. Let's just say I needed some life. Where I was living was more of a village but the houses were awesome.This formed the first result of my analysis. I was increasing my expenses with increased income. Were the expenses necessary? Those that were I chose to retain those that weren't informed new savings avenues. 

More reality came to me when I had a talk with a person earning less than I do. They told me how they manage. Then I talked with someone earning more than I do and I had to tell them how I manage. The revelation became clear to me; the money we earn will always be enough for our needs not our wants. I just need to know how to plan the money I make. It is this realization that took me on my second mission of finding out how I loose money. 

The revelations were as follows: 

1. Minimize use of plastic money when shopping. There is more pain in counting notes then giving a seller than swiping a card or paying via mobile money. ( Yes I know there is Corona) 

2. Avoid shopping when hungry because when hungry you tend to buy unnecessary food stuffs. 

3. Shop when your emotions are calm. Shopping when excited makes one spend more. Shopping when sad makes one shop more to heal themselves. 

4. Window shop when you don't have money to undertake a project underway. That way you look for the most affordable deals. 

5. Always shop when you have a shopping list. This ensures you don't buy things you don't need. 

6. When shopping in a supermarket,  avoid the big trolleys. Big trolleys make you fill it up with things you don't need. This is also informed by the shopping list. 

7. When you pick an item ,ask yourself how necessary it is 3 times. Or ask what would happen if you don't buy it. 

8. Take advantage when your brands are on offer and buy in bulk. That way you save cash and maintain your tastes and preferences. 

9. Appreciate yourself once every month. It gives you a boost to work the following month. 

10. Focus on improving and bettering the future you compared to the past and present you. Let it not be based on other people's achievements. 

11. Budget for your money before beginning to spend.

12. Shop in bulk as opposed to retail purchasing. You save up time and money at the same time. 

 

The Right Time for Anything

I don't know about you but Saturday is the day I do my general cleaning. I spend most of the day cleaning in the morning and in the afternoon go to the market. Cleaning is every Saturday but market isn't guaranteed. Today being a Saturday was no exception. In the midst of my cleaning my 3 year old daughter comes and requests me to allow her to mop the house. I look at her and sternly say no then continue mopping. She doesn't leave and stands there staring at me with merciful eyes. I don't know if it's her eyes or innocence but I begin questioning why I said no to her  mopping. A quick thought comes through that she's too young. As I am debating in my mind something hits me so hard that makes me resolve to allow her to mop. It's this Eureka moment I need to share with you.

Time and time again I have heard parents complain; their children just sit and do nothing. The children aren't helpful at all. They just sit and watch TV or play video games. Parents can complain all they want but 90% of them  are to blame for their children's behaviour. At the very young age children want to be involved in this and that , but what do most parents do? Most parents will send the child away to watch TV or even tell them it's ok I can do it or when you are older you will do it. This is what I feel is a misguided way of bringing up a child.

My thoughts are allow the child to do the chores when they are young and willing. They will grow up without any prejudice as to who is supposed to do the chores. They will grow up enjoying to do them because they did it them when young. It will not be strange for them to interact with a mop since it's a tool they very well know. I am told experience is the best teacher. In fact most jobs will prefer to hire experienced people over inexperienced people. I pose this question to us all as parents, if we don't allow our children to have experience why should we complain when we get substandard work in their older ages?

It's time we involve our children in cooking, cleaning , farming , making the bed ,... If Covid-19 wasn't a threat I would even propose going with them to the market and teaching them how to pick the best groceries. The Swahili saying "mtoto umleavyo ndivyo akuavyo" ( The way you bring up a child is the way that child grows) never seemed real than it did to me today. Train your child right and you shall have an experienced adult. What they do with the training depends on them fully. Just don't postpone training a child to a certain age. The right age is when they show interest and are curious to do it.

The excitement my daughter had after I allowed her to mop the floor was out of this world. She smiled from cheek to cheek. As her mother I couldn't help but feel proud and of course capture a video. I plan to use the video for future reference 😁😊..  I leave you to guess where the reference will be needed. 😎

Below is a photo of her mopping👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽🥰🥰🥰

Eternal Freedom and Happiness

There was a time in my life when I was so miserable. Lots of things felt wrong and I struggled maintaining the relationships I had. These relationships mean  romantic and non- romantic . The relationships range from formal to informal relationship. I would be so burdened when a relationship went South. It was a moment to experience great turmoil. Then I decided to have a meeting between me, myself and I and I was amazed at what I discovered. 

I came to the realisation the reason a relationship gone bad hurt had nothing to do with the other party but with me. This were some of the reasons: 
1. I expected the persons I relate with to relate with me exactly as I did with them. Like if I gift them they gift me. Many refer to it as tit for tat. 
2. I did things for them not for me. This hurt coz it only meant I live my life for others not for me. 
3. I wanted to transform them and they were not interested. 

When I came to this realisation I made resolutions . The resolutions enabled me have better relationships, move on to new relationships easily and live a more fulfilling happy life. I resolved:
1. It's not in my place to change another in fact I have no ability to. The person I can only change is me. So if I don't like the things another does I change my attitude not try to change them. 
2. Do things focusing on me not the other person. I will go to the market because feeding my family a healthy meal is important because then I spend less on health issues. Not because the society thinks it's a woman's place to go to the market. 
3. Everything I do , I do it for God. That way the only person I seek a reward from it God. That way if a favour to a fellow human being isn't returned it doesn't bother me. 
4. A relationship gone sour is an opportunity for me to move to new relationships. I simply analyze the good and carry them forward. If I feel I could have offered something I offer it to the next. That way the past remains a pleasant past of lessons of improvement. 

The above thinking helped me deal with the issues I had of:  
1. Submitting where and when I needed to. 
2. Taking action when there are other people that can
3. Letting go of attachments I had on people & things if I lose them. 

4. Having better relationships with others.

As a wife, I get to the kitchen and cook the meals because I want to eat a meal I know how it was cooked. Not because the society says if I don't cook for my husband he will find another wife. 🙄🙄🙄 .I Pay my employees on time, not because I have money but because I know it pleases God to do that. I tithe not because the church says if I don't tithe I cease to be a church member or the preacher won't use it for buying a luxurious car . I tithe because I understand God blesses me ten times fold. I raise my children giving them my best not so that they take care of me in old age. I raise them well because my Heavenly Father gives me the best as His child. 

Let's make a choice to have more happiness. Happiness is self acquired.

Deadlines and Must Haves of Life

I had targeted by age of 32 to have finished giving birth to my three children. God has a sense of humor because, I started giving birth at 32 years and at 35 yrs I have one child. I remember how I wanted marriage at 26 yrs. and when that didn't happen, I questioned everything around me and felt lost. I wondered what was wrong with me. In fact I think my need to have been married at 26 made me make some serious relationship mistakes and make a person's son miserable. I have recently let go of the thought that I am committing adultery because I am yet to do a church wedding (But this is key because I need to go back to receiving Holy Communion). Not forgetting I started my masters 9 years ago and I have not been able to attain the certificate to date. Getting my masters was so important to me it gave me anxiety that resulted into depression. Yes, I have suffered from depression and its trigger has always been my masters. I know you wondering depression because of masomo (school). Na wenye walifika class 2?? (What of those that didn't attend any schooling or attended low levels of schooling). Clearly different things matter to us.

I recently made a call to people to join me on a 4 week Gratitude journey.  The journey is about appreciating different aspects of life daily over a period of 4 weeks. Each day there are daily exercises to be undertaken and I am charged with the responsibility of formulating the exercises.  I would wake up by 3 am sometimes even earlier because I needed to have shared the exercises by 7 am. I would say it was easy and I coped well because I went about my normal daily duties without any fatigue. My body adjusted, so I thought. We began week 2 and I got overwhelmed and the desire to bake , spend time with my daughter and catch up with some sleep as I am working from home could not be fulfilled .  I was unable to meet the 7 am timeline. It’s even crazy that there is a day I slept at 3 am and by 6 am I got up to finalize on some pending exercises.  All in the bid to ensure I introduce a new aspect of gratitude when I am supposed to. I also participate in doing the exercises but had not been able to because the work load was too much. It gave me too much pressure that I felt overwhelmed. 

Then something happened and Reality Struck! I came to the realization that as humans we are so focused on deadlines and achieving this or that, it’s ridiculous madness. We run around so as not to be late and have this and that even when it’s clearly not a matter of life and death. All this running and catching up is significantly responsible for our unhappiness and sometimes costs us our lives.

It’s about time we appreciate the quality of what we finish with and have at the end of it all. Let’s release all these deadlines we have put for ourselves and must haves we have put in our heads which aren't a matter of life and death. Let us aim at finishing better and strong or getting quality and long lasting. Let us aim at arriving safe and remaining alive and happy. What is the significance of completing something and losing your children in the process? What is the significance of getting something and not enjoy having it because the pressure to get it eventually resulted in health complications? 

What I am saying to us all let's release ourselves from all these deadlines and must haves. They may not be a matter of life and death. Let's stop being prisoners of deadlines and must haves. Let us enjoy life. Let us take time to smell roses in our lives. Let us take time to sit and do nothing. Even siting and doing nothing is something. Get up and decide to bask, Vitamin D is important. Sit out and just breathe. Run around your bedroom naked. Life has got us too busy with deadlines and must haves we forget to breath. We survive by God's grace. Glory to Him. 

From today take time to catch up on your life. Make that special meal, play a game, run after a chicken. Dance, Shout... Hey it’s never that serious after all. It’s time to embark on the good life God wanted us to have. In the end God isn't limited by time or possessions. Time and everything in the world belongs to Him. Let us give up controlling time and wealth and allow God to take charge.